Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I am Joppatown(e)

Nestled against the Baltimore/Harford County line lies the frontier town(e) of Joppa. Town (or towne). The approach to get there was grueling. I had to suffer through miles of untamed wilderness and truckstop/porn-seller combo stations.

The law did not seem to stretch up into the boundary area and my caravan was frequently attacked by bandits. I was forced to use my new collection of trucker porn to defend myself. The sharp edges of the DVD cases would startle the bandits' horses when hurled at them with enough force and the lusty (and busty) young nymphos on the cover were just enough to distract my would be attackers for me to flee.

By the time I was out of porn I had reached what I thought was a bastion for the travelers heading North. A protected encampment full of traders and merchants; or so I thought. The dark sign that seemed to cast a shadow over the camp even at night read in ominous capital lettering: VAGABOND.

I approached a skinny, unshaven man to ask him to identify our location and perhaps tell me where the porn trader was. He looked at me through slanting, suspicious eyes that made me wish my pockets had locks. And that the keys to those locks were hidden.

"Why, you have reached the Vagabond. The land of lost travelers."

"But I'm not lost. I can see the road from here."

"Neahhhh!" he hissed at me, "None who ever the Vagabond ever leave."

"No really, I can leave right now. It's not like you have a very solid gate. Or any guards or anything. I think you're being a little dramatic."

"Oh ho ho ho," a figure behind me chuckled in that way that only creepy people chuckle. That bad chuckle which means nothing funny is about to be said. Immediately, I thought this guy was an asshole.

"Old Lenny there is just a few Vags short of a bond if you know what I mean," he told me in a forced Southern draw that didn't fit the area.

"Honestly no, that didn't make any sense."

"Lenny is a descendant of Jedidiah Vagabond, the founder of this camp. Story goes that he just ran out of supplies along the route North and stopped here. Since then, this has turned into a collection of people who just didn't make it. That's why no one leaves."

"That's unfortunate and ironic. But I just ran out of porn so I guess I'll be leaving."

"I said, no one leaves."

I could feel something coming creeping up behind me...

Stay tuned for part 2 before 2011 I hope!