What I actually learned from college

After spending the better portion of 4 and a half years in college I can finally sit back and reflect on all the things I've learned there. Given the current state of the economy, I've had a lot of time to reflect. Anyone want to hire a writer? Please? I'm funny.

Ehem. Anyway, here's what I really learned.

• I can skip any obligation at least three times every four months with no repercussions. More if the person in charge is old.

• All buffets are good for at least two meals. This isn't because you'll get kicked out if you sit there longer, it's because you'll get stomach cancer if you eat more then two meals at a buffet in a day. Happened to a guy I know, it was like that part in "Aliens" with the chest buster, but instead of a monster it was mashed potatoes and tumors.

• You can drink on a weeknight, as long as it's a power hour. This way you can still get some homework done. I have nothing on tailgating or anything like that. I went to Towson.
  

• If you're undeclared by second semester freshman year, you might as well drop out! You are a waste of your tuition dollars and your university's effort. You are clogging the system. You will get no advisor and no help picking classes. Oh wait, that was just me.

• Majoring in something useless won't get you a job, but it will get you sympathy from girls in bars. You have to be clever with this. You can't start talking about Sociology or Ethics because that shit is boring. Girls will just think you're a nerd. My Journalism degree is the perfect combination of sympathy and mysteriousness. Hope they saw "Fear and Loathing" or... maybe not. Depends how much they like early balding and hardcore drugs.

• Silent Hill 4 is a crazy ass game.
  

• If something drastic happens to your field while you are a student your teachers will have no idea what to do. It's both amusing and unsettling at the same time.

• Just get into medicine or something. People are always sick bro. Now come do a keg stand and stop getting all emotional on me before I call you a bitch.
  

An Open Letter to Smoothie King

Recently, my girlfriend and myself were visiting our local Smoothie King Franchise establishment. While there, we noticed that the Smoothie King menu includes some of the most exciting and healthful products we have ever seen. I could not believe my eyes, the Spanish explorer Cortez spent his entire life trying to find the fountain of youth and yet, here it was all along on your menu! It only got better from there. Further down, I noticed that there was a Fruit Fusion. For years, scientists have been trying to find a way to make fusion energy a possibility, who would have know that fruit was the missing ingredient?

We then realized that if the great Monarch of Smoothies could work these miracles, what else could he do? You see, a few years ago my girlfriend was taking a group of orphans out on a nature hike, it was the first time they had ever seen a tree, as they were all from Detroit. Then, out of nowhere, a bear attacked them - sent into a frenzy from the sweet smell of their orphan flesh. She threw her body in front of the orphans to protect them and the bear made a vicious swipe at her. Sadly, that day the bear had taken her leg, but thanks to her hidden K-BAR military knife, she has taken his life (and added a wonderful new rug to our dwelling).

Hopefully you can see where this is going. Using your Great Lord of all Smoothies' powers, surely you could create a new Smoothie that could help her grow her leg back. The recent lifting of the stem cell research ban should aid you in your quest. Let's just say I pulled that string a little for you. If you can wield your glorious science-magic to regrow her leg, I can promise much power and wealth for your Smoothie Leader.

Please consider us,
Your two future servants of the Smoothie Overlord